Funny Quotes
Funny quotes and witty one-liners to make you smile. This hand-picked collection brings together 30 of the finest funny quotes ever written — from Oscar Wilde, Benjamin Franklin, Jean-Jacques Rousseau and other great voices. Tap Copy on any quote to save or share it.
Sisters share childhood memories and grown-up dreams — and all the snacks.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Happiness is a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.
Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them.
Summer means happy times and good sunshine. It means going to the beach, going to Disneyland, having fun.
Monday is like math class: it's tough, but you have to go through it to get to Friday.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday?
Get well soon so we can resume our regularly scheduled nonsense.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun at home as his wife thinks he does at the office.
Being a grandmother is our last chance to act like a kid without being accused of being immature.
Sister to sister we will always be, a couple of nuts off the family tree.
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.
In the spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup.
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
Mix a little foolishness with your prudence: it is good to be silly at the right moment.
We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.
Love is a serious mental disease.
Mom: a title just above queen.
Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I'm a man of simple pleasures.
Dear Friday, I'm so glad we are back together. I'm sorry you had to see me with Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.